Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
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accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?