Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
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“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch