Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
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Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Hitlers gonna hitl
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam