Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
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“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
“How’s your day going?”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.