The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
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The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.