@hazelmotes1: "Why does everyone hate me?" I texted with the clicky keyboard sound turned on.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos? Me: You have the flu. 6: I’m sick, not dead.
@WhiskeySoured: Are these the Americans? No. Are these the Americans? No. Are these the Americans? No. - watching the Olympics with my wife
@weinerdog4life: If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
@MatCro: Ro-Ro-Robocop, Gently down the stream, Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.