My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
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Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
adam and eve had first world problems
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.