Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
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This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive