Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
estão todos miauvindo?
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.