Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
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*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Breaking news:
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Worst Native American name ever.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school