Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
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Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
My sex drive has a dui
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.