@heatherjs: Why does everyone want me to come out of my comfort zone? I worked really hard to get there.
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@DurtMcHurtt: Hobos are like cats, they'll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
@samuelhlowe: The best way to return any clothing left at your place is to do a drive-by with a t-shirt gun on her wedding day.
@rockymomax: [pulled over] COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car? ME: no COP 2: told you he was a nerd ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs COP 1: lol gotcha
@TellingTellers: An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.