Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
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My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
#Caturday
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
“OMGJK” -atheists
Do not levitate over flowers
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.