Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
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Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
We decided to have money instead of children.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
🤣✨#caturday
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.