Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
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Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Current mood: Potato