hmm conte-me mais
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*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.