why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
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You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire