Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
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I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
saw this in a dream
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.