Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
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Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Wait a minute
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Challenge accepted.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.