Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
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Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Cannot stop laughing at this
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!