Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
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Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!