Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
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me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*