Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
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[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.