Why does laundry happen to good people?
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If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on