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@theshantilly: Why does laundry happen to good people?
@ArfMeasures: ME: I've brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
@realHamOnWry: I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking, and chain smoking.
@CoopSoSarc: Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life
Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs
Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
@unravelingfire: When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don't know how math or blessings work.
@KBChicken75: Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn't had proper cooling time.