Why does laundry happen to good people?
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*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.