Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
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My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Smooooooth
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.