Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
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I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
This is my bus stop.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.