Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
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The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
They must have gotten it to go.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
😏😏😏