@NOLAN_MA: Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
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@JayMindX: "Calzone" is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
@LuvPug: Penguins can't fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don't have to clean penguin shit off my car.
@jwoodham: VALENTINE'S DAY PLAN: Go to the homes of all couples who Instagram pictures of fancy restaurants and rob them while they're eating dinner.
@truegritrumble: ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.