@NOLAN_MA: Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
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@evildadatron: Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
@iAmDelFreaky: Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food? Her: Uh, excuse me? Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
@WilliamAder: Auto correct changed "mingle" to "mangle," and now I've been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
@clarkekant: I wish everyone would stop vaccinating their children. It’s really cutting down these lines at Disneyland!