Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
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Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Google assistant rules
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.