Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
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The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
The only equipped I am is ill.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him