@thagr8short1: Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
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@cjwerleman: Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I've heard for making racists dehydrate to death.
@Dutch_50: Hey, I'm human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
@PaperWash: Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I've always used Google and I'm super [googles synonym for smart] able.
@Juan_Incognito: I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.