@thagr8short1: Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
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@markedly: Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants. Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
@gmossii: Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
@RobbieGramer: Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens
@ceejoyner: Sir, the breadsticks are limitless, not unlimited. You only get one but its potential as a breadstick knows no bounds.