Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
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this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.