@cluedont: Why does my wife always wait until I'm at the opposite end of the house before asking me to 'Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!'?
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@RileyCaptain: Me: Goodnight mom I love you Mom: I have a boyfriend Dad putting arm around Mom: This loser giving you a problem?
@StellaRtwot: I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.
@thatUPSdude: Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting? "hey I'm taking a shit but come on in and join me"
@Mz_Cake_Vodka: My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But I can't drive a bus.