@ErikGators: Why does my wife think its weird I talk to a bunch of strangers on the Internet, but it's ok for her to talk to multiple cats.
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@spicy_peen: How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush
@neiltyson: Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
@ProdigyNelson: Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant [table over] Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up* Monkey 2: not worth it man
@AdriannaLaCervx: This whole "parenting a teenager" thing isn't really working out. I'm going to tell him I just want to be friends.