My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
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Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
My time has come.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you