Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
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Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
do u think theres a butter planet?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.