@lovemydogduck: Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner.
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@zachreinert03: My ex claimed I had a 'hero' complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
@Jarhead44: My ex just followed me on Twitter. That said: "Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary." *BLOCKED*
@Dadsbustednuts: I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn't know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.
@DurtMcHurtt: Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.