I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
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What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
any last words?
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito