Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
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My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
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If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I need better friends
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later