Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
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Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER