@moose_chocolate: Why does the media always call a stabbing incident a "violent" stabbing incident? Is it possible to stab someone non-violently?
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@XLToast: Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog? Stranger: He's over there! Oh thank God! [steals little boy's corndog and runs away]
@SteveKoehler22: I needed to get a shipment of almonds to the airport quickly. It was so weird to call Uber and ask if they could drive me nuts.
@Cali_Kid_Mike: Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means "Doing the Facebook". Her daily posts are much more entertaining now.