Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
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You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I’ve been drinking.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
OKAY DAD
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”