@squirrel74wkgn: WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
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@DanMentos: "I just tried to make reservations at the library" You don't need a res- "Couldn't get one though" Don't do this "They were fully booked"
@HansGrubertron: [Fancy restaurant] DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants ME: *way too loudly* THERE'S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
@McInappropriate: NEW DRINKING GAME: 1) Put on the new Twilight movie 2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.