do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
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I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Meow
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Please do it!
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”