flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
You Might Also Like
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
No, he would not have.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
thanks auntie mary
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.