@laureneoneal: Why doesn't anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we're such cool people out with whom to hang?
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@squirrel74wkgn: I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
@AimeeHelene1: I've developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
@FatherWithTwins: *co-worker approaching elevator* *I try to hit "close door" button* *I miss, hit "open door"* Co-worker: thanks for holding it Me: Of course
@hazelmotes1: Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.