Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
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you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I feel like one of these would kill a European
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting