@Merman_Melville: Why doesn't anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don't have it
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@TheAlexNevil: *first date (Me, texting) This is awful. She's boring, has no sense of humor & rude Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
@AlanHungover: *Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: "Who was that, your girlfriend?" *Everyone laughs* NERD: "Nope. It was yours." *Dead silence*
@EndhooS: [Interview] "Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?" [flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter] ..Yes.
@JohnLyonTweets: Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!