@Merman_Melville: Why doesn't anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don't have it
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@SadieSmithRoks: A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.
@HatfieldAnne: Of course I don’t put Christmas presents under the tree for the CAT! That’s just silly. She gets a stocking.
@sixthformpoet: I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck criminals.
@kyle_thatisall: When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I'm gonna be them on social media & just comment "nice" on everyones old pool pics