@Merman_Melville: Why doesn't anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don't have it
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@BoogTweets: Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar? Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I'm serious, it's just for crows.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight] [Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain] [Kevin Bacon's about to drown] [Everybody cuts foot loose]
@teacup_giraffe: Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked hair & say "What's up, Chad?" & he'll be all "Whoa... How'd you know my name, bro?"
@brunopieroni: I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.