@Merman_Melville: Why doesn't anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don't have it
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@SteveSuckington: [first date] Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
@KeetPotato: [in heaven after crucifixion] jesus: "they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there" god: [rubbing his neck] "see the thing is"
@meganamram: Idea: "Celebrity Price Is Right" where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
@1evilidiot: If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.