Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
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Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.