This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
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Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]