Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
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One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it