Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
You Might Also Like
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Dead sexy!!
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!