Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
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Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm