Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
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[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
If you know, you know
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
pictures of spider-man