Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
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“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh